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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Groupon Says

Here is writing advice from some of the best writers of fiction I know. I think if I just base my book off their recommendations, I will have the next NYT best-seller for SURE.

(Disclaimer: Please remember this is not ME writing this, it's the Groupon people! Though if you have Groupon, you will know that the people who write for them are hilarious and clever which makes me WISH I were writing this.)

The Groupon Guide to: Writing Fiction

Instead of being based on real-life events, many of today's best-selling books are composed of what are conventionally known as “lies,” although the publishing industry prefers the handy euphemism "fiction." Because they are entirely made up, writing fictional books is extremely easy—just follow this handy guide:

Use at least three characters:

  • Protagonist: The hero. In all books written thus far, the protagonist has been a sullen teenager, a swashbuckling duck, or car that can transform into a smaller car.
  • Anti-gonist: The bad guy. Always the protagonist's twin father.
  • Love Interest: Either a person or bag of gold that must be rescued by the protagonist.

Choose a type of conflict

  • Man vs. Man: A man fights another man
  • Man vs. Himself: A man fights his clone
  • Man vs. Nature: A man fights some angry clouds
  • Nature vs. Nature: Two angry clouds fight each other

Finish with a twist:

  • It was Earth all along! Or conversely, it was space all along.
  • All the characters were ghosts! And the characters that seemed like ghosts were actually mummies.
  • It wasn't a book at all, but a helpful exercise VHS! That's why it was so fun to read!

Monday, June 27, 2011

A Melancholy Moment, If You Will Allow

Dr. Luv and I put down not one, but two offers on homes this past week, and both were rejected. Grrr. It's hard to know what to do when you are rejected. Is this just a little taste of what it feels like to send out multiple queries and then get rejected over and over again by agents and publishers? I'm not looking forward to that.

Lately I've been feeling like my first draft is a lot like a heap of burning poo left out on my doorstep and I can't figure out how to put the fire out. In short, it stinks. I am writing one of those books with a strong beginning, a strong, exciting ending in mind, and a lot of unorganized, uneventful blegh in the middle. My only hope is to write out all the blegh and then go back through and excite-ify it somehow. It's just crazy to think about how much work it's taking to do my first draft, when I know that once I finally finish it (and eat the big celebration cake that I plan to bake for myself when it's done), the real work will only be beginning.

Such is life when you want to create perfection. It takes so. much. work.

Friday, June 24, 2011

The 1/3 Mark

I am now officially almost 1/3 of the way through my first draft! Yippeee! My heroine has just been saved from a freaky ghost by her love interest. There's got to be one of those guy-protects-girl-making-girl-swoon-even-more-over-guy scenes in every romance. Cause I mean, come on, ladies, we all like being protected by our big, strong men. Am I right or am I right?

Also, we are going to put an offer on a house in the morning!

Also, I forgot to post that Baby Bean is a Baby BOY Bean!

Big news all around!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


Summertime business! The time of busyness! I feel like my mind has been constantly in a blender, whirring at full speed, with the "grind" button hitting me over and over and over throughout the last month. Plan this! Clean that! Call to make that appointment! All while simultaneously entertaining two small children! And listen to their stories! And their screaming! Usually at the same time! And feed them! Bite by bite! And oh yeah, you're pregnant! So don't try too hard to bend over! Except that Cheerio is pretty far away and you have to pick it up before someone steps on it!! And mop this floor, it's disgusting! And don't forget your husband is buying a dental practice! And you're going to be buying a house! So pack already! But not too much, you're pregnant!

Somewhere in the middle of that, I've written a grand total of almost 2000 words. I suppose that's something, right?